


creeping determinism

by gardenpsyche (dorktier)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 20:30:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7135985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorktier/pseuds/gardenpsyche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Plot twist: it turns out I don't have any problem with Josh kissing guys if it's me he's kissing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	creeping determinism

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to write this, it's based on this [article](http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/straight-guy-worries-hes-homophobic-gay-roommate-ends-falling-love/#gs.7KWoyo8)
> 
> also zack is the only joseph sibling i know, he's a dick but Alas also i have no idea how college works im a simple australian and universities are Better

"You excited to experience college? To live in the same room as someone for the next four years and meet hot girls at parties?"

Tyler cringed visibly "I'm excited to get my degree and leave."

His brother, Zack, rolled his eyes but didn't respond to that. Tyler was glad for it.

After barely graduating high school with the results he needed for the next stage of his education Tyler just wanted to get through these next four years as quickly and easily as possible. Also he was pretty sure the 'college experience' was going to be a lot worse than seeing attractive girls on campus. He was definitely ready to pull all-nighters and wear the same sweatpants for a week straight however the roommate part he was nervous about. It was one thing to share his room with his little brother for a couple of years but they also had a whole house too, Tyler would be stuck in the same room with the same guy whether or not he wanted it.

"It's too early to get start getting all angsty and emo on me," Zack said with a laugh.

"Shut up."

"Yes sir." There was a mock salute from Zack before he quickly put his hand back onto the steering wheel, he was still relatively new to driving.

Tyler looked down at his hands and pulled on the rubber band around his left wrist softly, he liked the noise it made but he knew it made his brother uncomfortable. No one spoke for a while.

"You're gonna be alright at college right?" Zack's voice was quieter now. "Mom wanted you to go to one closer to home."

"I'll be alright Zack." Talking about this made Tyler want to melt into the ground every time.

"Just," his brother sighed, "call me if it gets bad. Please."

"I'll call you every day and describe every single thing that happened to me, I promise."

Zack laughed sarcastically, "You know what I mean you nerd."

"Yeah I know what you mean. I will, don't worry." He turned the radio on so neither of them had to continue talking.

-

"Tyler Joseph?"

"Who's that?" Tyler said without turning around. He was busy trying to rip the masking tape off of his moving boxes without the help of a knife or scissors. It was going surprisingly well.

"Oh, sorry is this the wrong room?" The voice sounded nervous and Tyler immediately felt bad.

Giving up on his second box he looked over at the doorway to see a boy with bright pink hair. _Holy Shit._

"I’m sorry. I was just being a dick, I'm Tyler Joseph." He stood up and went to go shake the guy's hand. He was just taller than his roommate and for some reason it made him feel better.

His new roommate smiled when he realised he had gotten the room right and Tyler's breathing stopped for a second, he'd never see a grin like that for the rest of his life and he knew it. "I'm Josh Dun, the guy you're stuck with for the next four years. Sorry." Josh laughed brightly and Tyler wanted to tell him he was banned from smiling or laughing in his general vicinity ever again. But he didn't because that was rude and he wanted to be anything but rude to this boy.

"I should be the one apologising," Tyler said. "Also I've already claimed my bed and stuff." He waved his hand over at his new desk and wardrobe, he had spent at least five minutes giggling to himself when he realised all of the furniture was nailed to the floor before Josh had arrived.

"That's cool," Josh said before dragging a huge suitcase into the room. He parked it by the sofa so he could go back for the other one by the door.

Tyler felt awkward; he wasn't sure how to be somebody's roommate. How do you even do that? Did both roommates just postpone having breakdowns in their room for four years, did they play video games together? Did one of them have to leave for the library every time they had to pull an all-nighter to let the other sleep? Did they buy coffee for each other? His stomach felt like an ugly twisted pit as nerves got the better of him.

“I guess this is the part where we introduce ourselves and hope we don’t hate each other,” Josh said. He was sitting on the sofa with his stuff still beside it, he didn’t seem like he was in any rush to start unpacking. 

Tyler scrubbed his face with the palm of his hand, he was tired. “Sure I guess. I’m gonna be majoring in modern history, I play basketball and I’m really hungry.” This seemed to make Josh laugh.

“We should go to a café on campus and get something to eat then,” Josh said. “But anyway, hi I’m Josh.” 

“Hi Josh,” Tyler repeated and they both snorted.

Josh stuck his tongue out at Tyler, “let me finish you goof. I don’t know what I’m majoring in yet, I love aliens a lot and,” he mumbled the next part, “I’m gay.”

“You usually tell people you just met your sexuality?”

“No, of course not but we’re living together. I’d rather you know upfront in case you decide you want to move or something.” Josh bit his lip.

“Oh, well. Thanks for your honesty I guess,” Tyler offered a supportive smile. 

He really didn’t mind that Josh was gay; Tyler had had friends in high school that hadn’t been straight. If anything he felt bad that Josh seemed nervous to tell him.

His roommate clearly didn’t want to stay on the topic any longer than they had been.

“Wanna go find something to eat?”

“Oh my god, yes.”

-

Tyler quickly learned how lucky he was to have Josh as a roommate. It turned out they got along better than he’d probably ever gotten along with any of his friends from high school which he guessed wasn’t saying much considering his friends. 

Josh was a morning person while Tyler was not. He often took the liberty of waking Tyler up and, if it was late enough in the morning, he’d hand his roommate a coffee from the shared kitchen. Josh’s coffee wasn’t very good but he appreciated it. They were both night owls however so they got used to playing _Mariocart_ at two in the morning and hiding food around the room for midnight snacks.

Most of the people in Tyler’s courses seemed to complain about the people they shared a room with almost constantly, he’d gotten very lucky. 

It was pretty quiet most afternoons however as Josh spent a lot of his free time at the music block with the drums. He’d been invited to hang out with his roommate there but Tyler was drowning in assignment work when he wasn’t in class.

The essay assignment he’d been given on Robespierre was doing Tyler’s head in. The French Revolution was one of his favourite historical periods but at this point he never wanted to hear the word ‘guillotine’ again. 

“You alright over there?” Josh asked from his bed where he was reading. 

Tyler made a garbled yelling noise and banged his head on the desk.

“I guess that’s a no.” 

His head stayed on the desk as he heard Josh shuffling and making noises from across the room. How did anyone work like this for years straight?

“Get over here you future historian,” Josh called. Tyler turned around and nearly burst in laughter when he saw that his roommate had made a blanket fort in front of their television.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re gonna have a movie marathon. Or TV show marathon, I’m not picky.” Josh’s grin was huge and his eyes were crinkling from it, Tyler couldn’t help but smile with him.

“Yeah, alright.” Tyler got up from his desk chair and made his way over to the entrance of the fort.

It was crudely made from a couple of chairs and blankets that the college had provided for dorm rooms but Tyler could see that Josh was proud of it. He grabbed the pillows from his bed and stuck them on the floor of it.

Josh went to the kitchen to grab food and ended up coming back with microwaved popcorn and a giant bottle of Pepsi. Tyler managed to log into the Netflix account his family shared on his laptop before connecting it to the television. 

“What are you the mood for watching?” Josh asked after they’d both gotten comfortable in the fort. The food was settled nicely between them and Tyler had opted to lie on his stomach with a pillow, he knew his back would be aching soon but he didn’t mind. Josh was lying against the couch.

“I don’t mind. Something funny would be good though,” Tyler said.

His roommate looked through the movies for a while until he found the comedy-horror section and decided they should ‘get the best from both worlds.’ Tyler would have thrown a pillow at him if it wouldn’t have threatened the fort’s stability. 

“Let’s watch this one.” Josh had landed on some B-grade horror movie that he'd never heard of before. Tyler raised an eyebrow. “The book was really good, trust me.”

Tyler nodded and Josh punched the air with his fist before starting the movie.

It turned out to be one of the weirdest movies he’d ever seen. Josh loved it and Tyler decided he liked it too after hearing Josh gush about it afterwards and offer Tyler his book to borrow. 

They ended up watching three more movies before falling asleep in a heap on the floor. It was the happiest Tyler had been in a while.

-

The phone rung for a while before Zack picked up.

“Hey.”

“Hey man, how’s college?” His brother’s voice was tinny and distant through the speaker, it made Tyler realise how much he missed his family.

“It’s alright, the workload is ridiculous.” Zack snorted at that and Tyler smiled slightly at that.

“That’s what happens when you pick such a nerdy major,” Zack told him. “Anyway how’s basketball going?”

He was paying for most of his way through college with a scholarship he earned playing basketball, it wasn’t his favourite thing in the world but at this point it just felt natural. It was a good way to put your thoughts on hold.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good actually. The team’s really nice but we haven’t started the season yet,” Tyler said.

They spoke for a while, talking about what was happening back home, his classes and what Zack had been up to. Tyler felt an ache in his chest; he had never been so far away from home before. 

“Hey so mom wants you to come home for this weekend, it's dad's birthday,” Zack said. 

“I can’t, I have two assignments due on the Monday.” It pained him to say no.

Zack didn’t speak for a moment before replying with “Oh, alright.” His brother sounded disappointed.

“Tell everyone I love them though, I’ll visit as soon as I get a chance I promise.”

Neither of them seemed to be able to continue the conversation after that however so they said goodbye and hung up. _Don’t cry_. He hadn’t cried at all since he’d gotten here and he wanted to postpone that as much as possible. _College is great; you’re having the time of your life_. Tyler had always been a terrible liar, even to himself. 

Tyler had resorted to playing with the band on his wrist, slapping it against his skin. 

He didn’t know how long he’d sat on his bed doing that though as soon the room became too dark to even see his own hands properly and he debated just lying down and going to sleep. Ignoring assignments and responsibilities was what he was best at doing after all.

Tyler jumped when the door opened and the light suddenly turned on.

“Wha- Tyler?” It was Josh; he must have just come from the music building. His hair was slightly damp from sweat and Tyler scrunched his nose at it.

“Hey.” 

Josh closed the door and walked over to the bed Tyler was occupying.

“Are you alright?” 

He didn’t receive a response, Tyler felt like he might start crying if he tried to answer. Instead he shrugged, he knew he’d be embarrassed by this afterwards but right now he didn’t care.

There was an awkward moment when Josh didn’t know what to do, they didn’t know each other well enough for this not to feel weird. Eventually Tyler spoke.

“I want to go home.” He flinched at how pathetic and small his voice sounded.

Josh looked at Tyler for a minute before sitting down on his bed, it creaked.

“Want a hug? That’s all I can really offer I think.” Tyler nodded.

He mentally cursed himself when he let a few tears slip and rubbed his face in an attempt to stop until Josh crushed him in a hug that had managed to catch him off-guard. 

“It’s hard man but we got this,” Josh said.

They stayed like that for at least five minutes before Josh excused himself.

“I probably smell horrible, sorry about that.” He grinned down at Tyler apologetically before ducking into their shared bathroom. 

He didn’t need the rubber band again that night.

-

When Tyler woke up Josh had already left for a morning lecture but seemed to have stopped by at the nearest campus cafe. There was a cup of coffee on Tyler's desk with a badly drawn picture of a smiling alien. Tyler smiled with it.

-

It wasn’t any secret to Tyler that Josh sometimes brought guys over while he was in class or at the library and he didn’t really care. The less he knew about anyone’s sex life the better he thought. 

Brendon declared himself an exception to that however as he tried to tell Tyler the details of his relationship with his girlfriend, Sarah, in the middle of the library. 

“Please stop,” Tyler said. He was glaring.

“No, come on. I gotta ask you some advice about this thing that’s happening with my p-“ Brendon earned a book to the face.

“There are nurses on campus, go visit them.”

His friend whined while Tyler tried to finish the revision question he was looking at.

“Fine, can you at least direct me to the good books on Feudal Japan.” Brendon was also a history major along with Tyler, he was pretty sure it was just for the units on ancient Greece and Rome. 

He sighed and shut the textbook he had been using before getting up to walk Brendon to the Asian History section. 

“You’re gonna want this one, it’s got a heap of primary sources,” he dumped a book in Brendon’s arms. “This one is good too, it’s mostly about samurai so you’ll probably like it.”

He knew Brendon was into warriors and battles and anything he considered ‘fucking sick’, Tyler liked learning about revolutions more.

He gave him a couple more books, he used to be embarrassed about having such an encyclopaedic knowledge of history books but it turned out that a lot of his friends from classes found it a blessing. 

“Hey, did you end up sorting out that problem with your roommate?”

Brendon blew a raspberry, "yeah mostly. We agreed on which nights we had the room to ourselves so neither of us walk in on... anything again." He wasn't sure if that was the right word to use. 

"Is it really that bad?"

"Oh my god, yeah. You're lucky he and your roommate didn't decide to go back to yours."

Tyler couldn't help but snort in laughter as Brendon stared at him. 

"It's pretty funny you gotta admit, Urie."

"Yes, it's so funny. In fact let's go hook up in my dorm too, it'll be so ironic!" Brendon's voice was completely monotone which only made Tyler laugh harder.

"Not even if I were gay would I do anything with you."

"Tyler Joseph stop lying to me, yourself, God and the librarian who won't stop staring at us. Yes, Mrs Litchman I'm not an idiot." He pulled a face at the librarian and Tyler slapped his arm.

"I actually like being in here, don't get us both banned," Tyler said but he was still giggling as he said it.

"Wouldn't dream of doing that to you man," Brendon told him.

-

"Josh, are you failing?"

There was an undignified squawk from Josh as he whipped his head around to see Tyler holding one of his finished assignments. There was a 'D' on the front of the task sheet.

"It was in the bathroom, I don't know why you left it there. Sorry," Tyler said as he handed the essay to his roommate. Josh didn't say anything.

"Look man," Tyler sighed. "I'll help you if you need it, I don't mean tutoring though. Like if you need me to take you to the library and borrow twenty books or tape you to a chair in front of a computer I will." He looked very serious, Josh tried to look serious too.

"I wouldn't wanna be a bother to you..."

Tyler grabbed his shoulders. "It's not a bother, you're gonna graduate and you're gonna do it with the most sick-ass grades you can get even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming." Josh snorted. "I mean it! I believe in you man."

"Is this the part where we proclaim our love to each other and make out?" Josh said as he waggled his eyebrows before they both burst into laughter.

A red-face Tyler pointed at him, "I was trying to have a serious moment you-" Tyler had gone into another fit of laughter.

They both giggled to each other for a few more minutes, trying to say something and then bursting into more cackling.

Josh took a deep breath to calm himself so he'd stop laughing.

"Thanks though, it means a lot seriously."

Tyler only smiled in reply. He'd do anything to stop Josh from repeating what Tyler had done in high school. 

-

There was a metallic jangle as Tyler dug his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door to his room. He'd been out all day and at this point it felt weird not seeing his roommate for so long, Tyler had ended up stopping at Pizza Hut to pick something up for dinner. 

He shoved the door open and only made it a couple of steps into the room before he saw Josh on the sofa. With another guy. 

Tyler stood there, not knowing what to do. What were you supposed to do when you walk into your roommate making out on your couch? He opted for coughing awkwardly and loudly before walking back out into the hall.

He heard Josh yell an apology from inside the room followed by a lot of shuffling around. Tyler continued to stand in the hall with his pizza.

There was a weird feeling in Tyler's gut, like it had been punched. He almost felt nauseous but he couldn't explain why. He'd walked in on friends doing less than appropriate things before but he'd only ever just laughed it off. Now he kind of felt like he was about to throw up. 

"I'm so sorry, so so sorry man. I didn't think you'd be back by now." Josh had poked his head out the door, he looked embarrassed. Tyler probably did too.

"Don't worry about it," Tyler said.

The guy that had been on the couch with Josh didn't even look up at either of them as he walked out of the room and kept walking down the hall. Tyler didn't blame him.

"You bought pizza!" Josh seemed to have already moved on from what had just happened as he ushered his roommate back into the room while thanking him for bringing dinner.

Tyler didn't have the stomach to eat any.

-

"Honey, I'm home!"

Tyler snorted when he saw Josh asleep on his own bed with one of Tyler's books open in his lap, it was his assigned reading for Intro to Classics.

"Sorry for yelling," he whispered.

-

"Why do you look constipated?"

Tyler shoved Brendon lightly with a pout.

"I don't," he said defensively. "Just thinking."

He was just thinking. He couldn't stop thinking about when he'd walked in on Josh and that guy. Tyler felt _terrible_. 

"Do you think homophobes can feel bad for being homophobes?" Tyler asked carefully.

Brendon knitted his brows and sent a questionable look to Tyler from behind his textbook. He'd propped it up and was trying to build a wall of textbooks, it was't going well.

"I guess? Is that what you're thinking about?"

Tyler didn't reply. Was he a homophobe? He'd never felt that way about anyone else he'd known to be gay, hell he hadn't even felt that way about Josh until he saw him with another guy. He liked Josh, he wanted him to be happy. He felt so guilty.

-

There was a loud noise and Tyler jolted up out of his bed. He looked around with heavy lidded eyes only to see Josh standing on the sofa yelling. 

"Oh man..." Tyler mumbled before running a hand through his hair, he was too tired for this.

Josh looked absolutely ecstatic however as he jumped on their couch with a paper in his hand.

"Tyler, oh my god! Look at this!" He jumped off and ran to Tyler's bed only to thrust the paper into his hands. Tyler could vaguely make out the 'A' on the front.

"Hey, you passed." Tyler could only smile goofily up at his roommate.

Josh's grin was absolutely huge as though there was a waxing moon in his room, Tyler loved it. 

"Only thanks to you," Josh said. "Now come on! We have to celebrate this with breakfast!"

Tyler got up at the mention of breakfast, especially if they were going out for it. He'd decided he'd probably sell his arm just to only eat out for the rest of his life. It was tough but eventually Tyler woke up enough to get himself into the shower while Josh resumed jumping around on the furniture. 

It was a cold morning meaning that they both had to bundle up, the wind was not in a good mood today. Tyler immediately realised that when they got outside and it became how evident just how much he was going to regret not bringing a scarf.

Luckily for Josh he had a turtle neck hoodie, pulling up around his nose and keeping the lower half of his face warm. Tyler envied him for being prepared.

"Where do you wanna go for breakfast?" Josh's voice was slightly muffled.

Tyler patted his cold face with gloved hands. "Anywhere warm, please." Josh laughed from under the material.

They opted for an off-campus pancake restaurant, it was 24/7 and cheap enough to be popular for college students. Tyler ordered the _Starwberry Patch_ while Josh stuck with a _Bananarama_.

The restaurant had been visited by the pair so many times that most of the staff knew their orders, Tyler suspected it was just because Josh was easy to remember. He doubted anyone would forget what an excitable blue-haired menace to pancakes ordered. 

"I've never known happiness until now," Tyler had muttered when a waitress put down his pancakes in front of him. Both Josh and the waitress laughed at that. At that moment Tyler wanted to kiss whoever had first had the idea to put strawberries with pancakes.

The waitress set down Josh's plate before collecting the menus. 

"You guys are the cutest," she smiled at them.

Tyler couldn't correct her with his mouth full of pancake, strawberry and ice cream so he kept chewing as she left. He was still too tired to comprehend it while Josh choked on the piece of banana he'd been eating.

"You hear that sweetheart, she thinks we're the cutest," Tyler managed to say with food in his mouth.

"It's amazing she thinks that while you look like a chipmunk." Josh laughed at his own joke while Tyler gasped melodramatically.

"I cannot believe we have to break up on our four month anniversary!" Tyler exclaimed, he tried his hardest to keep the food in his mouth. 

"Sorry babe."

"I'd leave but I need to eat this first, after I finish my pancakes you will never see this beautiful face again."

They both started giggling.

-

Tyler couldn't help but feel a deep pit in his stomach when Josh told him he was going on a date with someone. He spent the evening reading the book Josh had promised to loan him months ago but it was hard to concentrate.

-

Josh goes to all of Tyler's basketball games even the very first one. His cheeks burn red whenever he scores and he can hear Josh cheering for him from the stands.

-

"Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

"You can see me too right?"

"Yes," Tyler said.

Skyping with his family was something he looked forward to every week. Tyler had only managed to visit back home during breaks and occasionally on long weekends, it wasn't much but Tyler had gotten used to it. Josh had even offered to skype them during Tyler's games so that they could watch some of them and for that his parents seemed to adore his roommate. Zack did too but only because he'd been skyped once by Josh randomly only to giggle about Tyler drooling on his pillow.

"How was your week?" It was Tyler's mom, her face was too close to the camera but he'd given up on telling her that. At least he got to see her.

"It was alright, handed in my Sword History research report yesterday. Josh broke one of the Wii remotes."

"Accidentally!" his roommate called from the bathroom where he was currently dying his hair.

Both Tyler and his mom snickered.

His mother adjusted the camera. "I heard you might end up getting a scholarship from the Arts Faculty." She sounded very proud, not as proud when he'd gotten the basketball scholarship of course.

"Maybe, I still have to write a statement for it first." 

"I'll fight them if you don't get it," Josh interrupted.

"Shush, you don't exist when you're in the bathroom."

"Say that to my face Tyler Robert Joseph!"

Josh eventually got too distracted with dying his hair to keep butting in so Tyler and his mom kept on talking. At some point his mom had to go and start cooking dinner so they said their goodbyes and ended the call. Tyler's phone was threatening to overheat on the bed.

He made his way into the bathroom where Josh looked like he had just murdered someone with all of the red hair dye.

"So do you think by year three or four you'll be bald?"

"I'll dye your hair in your sleep Tyler." Josh held up all of the excess dye he had left and Tyler held his hands up in surrender.

He sat down on the bench next to the sink and watched Josh.

"Do you ever miss your family? You never talk about them." 

"Not really, they weren't much of a family anyway I guess." Josh spoke about it so casually as though they weren't flesh and blood, Tyler wanted so bad to understand. "Could you pass me the towel please," Josh asked. Tyler complied. 

"I wish I missed my family." Josh said it so quietly that Tyler nearly missed it.

-

Basketball practice went late. Tyler doesn't think it's soon enough when they finally get told to go shower and he's allowed to go sleep it off. It was nice to get to do laps and drills instead of studying however.

The walk from the gym to his dorm was only about 10 minutes but the patches of darkness in between each lamp post made him walk faster than that. He was ready to collapse into bed so when he walked into his room already half asleep to see Josh and another guy about to leave he found it harder than usual to hide how he's feeling.

"Tyler! Sorry, he's just leaving. How was basketball?" Josh asked, he looked tired but happy.

The stranger's face lit up, "oh, woah you play basketball here?"

"No, I don't. Why are you in here?" Tyler could hear the seething bitterness in voice but he couldn't stop himself.

Josh gave him a quick glare that Tyler ignored, he was too busy staring down the other man in the room.

"Oh. Sorry. That's my cue to leave I guess, see you Josh." 

"I'll talk to you later Ryan," Josh said with more politeness than necessary before Ryan awkwardly shuffled out the door and closed it behind him. Tyler went and sat on his bed.

"What are you doing Tyler? Why are you being an asshole?" Josh had wheeled around to face his roommate, his eyes searching for an answer on Tyler's face. Tyler was feeling sick again, like he was going to puke.

Tyler opened his mouth to say something but closed it again when he realised he didn't know what to say.

There was a disappointed look from Josh, "if you have a problem with me seeing other guys why didn't you just change roommates when I told you?" The hurt in his voice was a slap in the face to Tyler.

"No, I- of course of not." Tyler was mumbling without daring to look Josh in the face.

"Then what? You've never met Ryan, I don't understand?"

"I'm sorry. It's just been a bad day, I honestly don't care who you sleep with Josh." For some reason that only served to hurt Josh more, he looked more upset than Tyler had ever seen him and he had no idea what to do. Maybe he really did have a problem with Josh's sexuality. 

Running his hands through his hair, which had now faded from red, Josh sighed. It almost sounded like he was trying not to cry. 

"Alright, well. I'm gonna go spend the night at a friend's off-campus. I just think we need to calm down, both of us." Tyler nodded slightly.

Josh grabbed a backpack from behind his bed and shoved some of his belongings in it, Tyler could only sit there. "You don't care if I sleep with him as long as it's not here right?" Josh asked but it seemed to have come out of his mouth with more venom than he'd meant to. Tyler winced.

"It's none of my business." Josh didn't respond, he closed the door behind him leaving Tyler alone.

Tyler ran to the nearest bin when he felt himself start dry heaving.

-

"Tyler?" Zack's voice was groggy. "Are you alright?"

His brother didn't know how to answer that.

"Hey, Tyler? Answer me."

"I'm... I don't know. I think I hurt Josh." Tyler's voice was tiny and pitiful, he hated hearing himself like that.

"Jesus man, I thought something horrible had happened," Zack said and Tyler immediately felt even more guilty. He should have realised that calling his brother in the middle of the night without warning would have scared him.

"Sorry."

"It's alright. What do you mean you hurt Josh?"

"I think I'm homophobic? Maybe? It's complicated," Tyler said.

"What? You're not Tyler but what does that have to do with Josh?"

Tyler was silent for a moment. "It's weird. He told me the first day I met him that he was gay and I was fine with it, we even used to pretend to flirt. I didn't mind that he's gay."

Zack was silent, waiting for Tyler to elaborate.

"I walked in on him and this guy basically making out on the couch right? And I felt sick, like about to throw up sick. And it kept happening whenever I saw him with another guy or when he said he was going on a date or whatever. I'd feel nauseous, I feel nauseous right now. I came back to the room tonight to see him with this Ryan guy and I don't know? I just felt kind of mad. At Ryan, not at Josh. I care about Josh so much, Zack. He probably thinks I hate him now though. He probably hates me now too." Tyler sniffled, he was terrified of losing Josh just because he couldn't deal with seeing him with other guys.

There was nothing from Zack for so long that Tyler had thought he'd fallen back asleep. 

"Zack?"

"For a nerd, you're the most oblivious person I've ever met in my entire life." Zack had started laughing quietly over the phone.

"What are you talking about? Laughing at me isn't helping."

Zack snorted loudly. "Tyler, you fucking walnut. You're not homophobic, you're jealous. You have a crush on him, how did you not realise?"

Tyler was too tired to process that fully, "I'm not gay though? I'm straight, Zack what are you talking about?"

"You've never dated anyone, I don't even think you've had a crush on anyone in your life bro. You just call yourself straight because you never gave it a second thought."

Neither of them spoke for a while.

"It's too late for this, I need to sleep first."

"That's what I thought, good night Tyler." Zack was still laughing when he hung up.

Tyler fell asleep on the sofa not even five minutes later.

-

The sound of a their shower turning on managed to wake Tyler up, he nearly started freaking out about being late for a class until he realised it was Saturday. He didn't have any reason to be up until the afternoon. 

Tyler realised he was on the sofa soon after and sat up, he was still wearing the clothes he'd walked home in last night. Then he suddenly remembered the phone call he'd had with his brother. Tyler wanted to hit himself for last night. His brother had been right though, he'd grown up assuming that he must have been straight because everyone else around him was. There had never been any reason for him to think otherwise, until he'd met Josh. 

He must have been in the shower. Suddenly Tyler felt sickeningly guilty, he'd upset Josh just because he couldn't tell disgust from jealousy. He hated thinking that Josh was hurt because of him but he didn't know how to go about dealing with it. He saw a Wii remote sitting by the couch and picked it up before turning on the TV.

Josh took a while in the shower and Tyler wasn't sure if he was trying to prolong seeing him for as long as possible. Eventually the sound of splashing water stopped and Tyler tried to pretend like his heat wasn't trying to jump out of his throat.

The bathroom door unlocked and opened and Tyler heard his roommate pad out from the bathroom behind him.

"Wanna play Super Mario?" Tyler's voice was quiet and obviously nervous, it caught Josh by surprise.

"Yeah, alright."

Josh sat next to Tyler but he purposely tried to leave as much room as possible between them, it made Tyler ache but he didn't comment on it. Instead he handed a remote to Josh and let him pick his character.

They played in silence for the next twenty minutes except for the occasional laugh when one of them died hilariously, Tyler did't want it to be like this. 

"I'm sorry," Tyler said, it was so quiet he wasn't sure if Josh had heard.

"I know." Josh paused the game to look over at Tyler. "Could you at least explain to me why you acted like that?"

Tyler pinched at the rubber band around his wrist, Josh grabbed his hand gently to stop him. "I know why you do that, please don't."

"I..." Tyler knew what to say but he couldn't force the words out. "I was jealous."

"You were jealous? Of what Tyler? You know there are so many girls who've asked me for your number." Tyler snorted suddenly at the thought of that.

"That's news to me," Tyler said.

"I know, I never gave any of them your number." Josh's face started heating up.

Tyler could feel his own face burning too. "I was jealous of all of the guys you were with." 

Josh didn't respond, he looked at the floor with a bright red face.

"I thought I was homophobic or something, I felt sick to my stomach every time I saw you with someone. I was just jealous of them."

"Wait... how do you manage that?" Josh's face was threatening to turn into a grin as he tried to keep a straight face.

Tyler was too nervous to respond.

"Oh shit, you're serious?" Josh was staring right at Tyler now and he could feel his eyes burning into his skull. Tyler nodded.

"Surprise to everyone including me: I'm not straight," Tyler mumbled, staring at the floor.

"Thank god," Josh heaved a sigh of relief. "I've been trying to get over my crush on you for _months_."

"What. Am I really that oblivious to things?" Tyler asked although he was talking more to himself.

"Tyler."

Before he could respond to Josh he felt hands reach up and hold the back of head, pulling him in. Tyler had never kissed anyone with stubble before.

-

There are three black rings around Tyler's left wrist now, eventually he forgets about the rubber bands.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a [tumblr](http://arnica.tumblr.com)


End file.
